


We bloom at the end of the night

by orbit1117



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirate, But also, M/M, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love, the rest of ateez are just mentionned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orbit1117/pseuds/orbit1117
Summary: Hongjoong is in love with the moon, and Seonghwa is in love with Hongjoong (regardless)
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	We bloom at the end of the night

Hongjoong had the eyes of a captain; bright and burning with fiery passion as he decided on their next journey or as they braved wild storms that sent ships to the depths of the ocean.

But his eyes were kind, too, and the flames in them would ease up into a gentle warmth when gazing upon his crew members. It was like the blinding midday sun descending into the comforting orange of the late afternoon.

And Seonghwa loved it, he loved the way it didn’t just make them feel strong, but at home, too. He treasured every moment Hongjoong eyes would linger on his, more than anything they could discover during one of their journeys. 

( _Hongjoong had jokingly remarked he wasn’t very ambitious for a pirate, but he would argue to differ._ )

But there were also times when Hongjoong’s eyes would cool down. After the sunset, when the night sky covered all around them for as far as they could see, their familiar warmth seemed to be clouded by something distant that Seonghwa just couldn’t put a finger on. It wasn’t cold, per se; it just wasn’t _there_.

Hongjoong would laugh as usual, scold the crew for being loud during dinner, help Yunho with some new navigation device he was working on, and tell some stories of the past. But he was never quite _there_ , and Seonghwa blamed how perceptive he was to his shift in behavior. It was the little things, like the way Hongjoong never paid much attention to his food, or how he wouldn’t notice Wooyoung and San giggling a bit too loudly about their latest prank idea.

Then, Hongjoong would excuse himself, and go out to walk around the deck on his own. Seonghwa didn’t know when he came back to their shared room, or if he came back at all; when he finally managed to drag the last member to sleep, Hongjoong was still outside, and he was always the first to wake up in the morning. 

Of course, there was no way Hongjoong wasn’t sleeping at all. After all, he never seemed particularly tired during the day — well, except on the few occasions where Seonghwa would find him discreetly taking a nap at some random spot of the ship. But it was a normal behavior for all of them, as life on a ship wasn’t always the most thrilling and the sun hit more severely there than on the land. 

So it’s not that Seonghwa was worried about this odd behavior of his. He just felt... intrigued. He had asked the other crew members about it before, being one of the last ones to join: maybe there was something he was missing?

Nobody seemed to know much either, not even Yunho who had been by his side from the beginning. It seemed like they all decided not to bother with it too, as it wasn’t really causing problems for anyone, and Seonghwa really wished he could _not_ care so much either.

But it was hard not to care about _anything_ when it came to Hongjoong. And especially when his clouded expression as he looked up at the sky had this graveness to it, as if he were burdened with something only he felt or understood. If he had been allowed, Seonghwa would have loved to help him carry whatever it was, but it was never that simple.

_("You know how our captain is," Wooyoung had snickered at him when he shared his concerns. "He doesn’t talk."_

_"But what if he needs to?" Seonghwa argued back, half a potato in his hand and frankly feeling not so confident about it either._

_"Well, good luck with that." Wooyoung simply shrugged, focusing back on the onions he was peeling.)_

Seonghwa did try to ask Hongjoong about it. As it felt wrong to bring it up during the day, he had sneaked up on Hongjoong to join him on the desk on some evenings. But each time, he’d been met with a distant look and dismissive replies. So he concluded that whatever it was, his captain wasn’t willing to share, and this despite Seonghwa being the member he usually let himself be the most vulnerable around.

_(He had asked him, a few years ago, what about Seonghwa made it easier for him to confide in. It’s not as if they got along particularly well, and there were others like Yunho or Mingi he’d been around for much longer. Hongjoong had snorted, seemingly embarrassed._

_"Is there the need for a reason?" he asked, turning his back to him. Then, quietly, he added:_

_"I guess I like your eyes."_

_Seonghwa would have asked how this explained anything, but the admission burned right through his chest, and he had to refrain from blurting out that he liked Hongjoong’s eyes, too.)_

Nonetheless, he couldn’t get himself to let Hongjoong alone among the stars — as much as it made a beautiful sight to see — and found his foot drawing him to the deck every night. They wouldn’t talk, aside from a few words that were lost in Hongjoong’s visible disinterest, but Seonghwa didn’t feel like his presence was unwanted either.

Or maybe it was a selfish wish of his to think this way, because the loneliness in Hongjoong’s eyes was absolutely crushing, and Seonghwa wanted nothing more than being able to alleviate it.

Hongjoong gazed at the sky longily, and Seonghwa gazed at him. And as he did, he saw millions of emotions dancing in his captain's eyes, from adoration, to pain and bitterness and _yearning_. Like Hongjoong was after something he know he could never get but still longed for endlessly, something he was nothing to and yet that was everything to him.

_(And Seonghwa thinks whatever is torturing Hongjoong, maybe it isn’t that different from what Seonghwa feels for him.)_

—

That evening was like every other; half of the crew celebrating their latest acquisitions with drunken dances and songs as Jongho broke fruits open, encouraged by Mingi’s loud cheers and Yeosang’s quiet approval. Hongjoong had been exceptionally cheerful that night, even letting San demonstrate his kicking skills on a golden cup they snatched a few days ago. He was definitely getting scolded for that in the morning, Seonghwa internally remarked as the cup flew right through the room and missed to kick Yeosang out, but it was worth the entertainment.

It was a new moon, and the sea is calm when Seonghwa walks on the deck to meet Hongjoong. He is sitting on the fence of the upper deck as he tends to, and turns to smile at him when Seonghwa’s steps grow closer.

"Seonghwa." he calls quietly, unmoving from his position. "You came."

Despite the chill breeze on his skin Seonghwa feels himself warm up at the remark, not used to having Hongjoong acknowledge his presence on the deck so bluntly.

"Should I leave?" He tries, because he doesn’t really know what else to say. It doesn’t seem like Hongjoong is unhappy to see him though, and the younger man shakes his head with a small laugh.

"No, you can stay— please stay."

Hongjoong crosses his hands between his legs in a gesture Seonghwa wants to call shy, and that’s when it gets confusing — because Kim Hongjoong just doesn’t get _shy_ , and his eyes shouldn’t look as _demanding_ as they do when looking at Seonghwa. _Pleading_ , he thinks, and immediately shakes off the word that sounds like an insult when applied to his captain.

Seonghwa smiles, and goes to sit right next to him, back turned to the sea.

"You know you don’t need to ask." He replies in a way that he means to read as casual, but he realizes might come out too strongly.

Hongjoong chuckles again, then, showing white teeth and shifting slightly closer to him. Their legs touch, and Seonghwa’s breath catches in his throat.

“I suppose I don’t need to." Hongjoong pauses, eyes lingering on Seonghwa, and then on the sea behind them. "But I feel a bit lonely tonight." he adds, almost in a murmur, like he doesn’t want anyone but Seonghwa to hear it.

 _Just tonight?_ Seonghwa wants to ask but doesn’t, because Hongjoong seems vulnerable in a way he rarely gets, and he isn’t sure he’s in position to be asked about the looks he usually bears towards the night sky.

So instead he just laughs softly as he gives a pat to Hongjoong’s hand.

"Then why not go back inside with everyone? They would be happy to have you around for once."

"And listen to Mingi blabber about another one of his made—up stories? I’ll pass, thanks." Hongjoong rolls his eyes. "I like spending time with you."

Seonghwa’s heart misses a beat. "With me?" He repeats lamely, as Hongjoong keeps staring off in the distance.

“Yeah," He frowns and turns back to him. "Why are you surprised?"

"W—well..." The eldest coughs, trying to reign his expression into something more neutral. "I just... I didn’t think you really cared that it was me being around. " He bites his lips. "I thought you got along better with some of the kids than with me..." He admits, a bit embarrassed.

It was the truth — Hongjoong and Seonghwa didn’t have a lot in common, and even though the ship was small they didn’t spend that much time together at all. Hongjoong was smart, and knowledgeable, and was always busy discussing complicated stuff with Yunho or writing with Mingi in their spare—time.

As for Seonghwa, he was... useful, in some ways. He kept the ship clean, cooked for the members, and wasn’t so bad at sword—fighting thanks to being taught as a child. That was about it. Most of the time, when the two of them talked, it was about the rest of the crew, or asking each other how they were feeling. They did share a room, of course, but Seonghwa barely caught Hongjoong come in and out.

Hongjoong shrugs.

"I mean, I guess that’s true. But I like you, still.” He says while poking Seonghwa’s nose with a playful smile. Hongjoong might have been a reliable and trustworthy captain, he still had a tendency to make Seonghwa unsure of how much he was being sincere and how much he was just making fun of him. It seems to be the former though, as Hongjoong adds after a few seconds.

"And I like your eyes."

He says again as he stares at them, thoughtful and a bit too intense for Seonghwa to keep his composure. He looks to the side bashfully, not really knowing if he’s supposed to say thanks, or _something else_. Eventually, he lets out a weak "You told me before..." , still not able to look up at Hongjoong who hums in response.

Minutes pass, and they fall into their usual silence, Seonghwa pitifully locking his eyes on his shoes that rest on the deck’s floor. The gentle wind pass through them and the waves crash against the boat’s wood in a relaxing rhythm.

When he finally looks up, he finds Hongjoong's eyes lost in the starry sky again, a painful expression on his face.

He seems so alone in this moment, so sad and distant, Seonghwa feels the uncontrollable urge to pull him into his arms and hold him close until whatever is making him this way fades away.

But Seonghwa isn’t a brave man, so he settles for calling his name.

" Hongjoong, are you — "

" Seonghwa. "

He didn’t expect being interrupted, and even less Hongjoong’s eyes locked into his, something unreadable in them.

 _Pleading_ , he thinks, again, and this time doesn’t take it back.

" Can I kiss you? "

His captain asks, and he leans in.

—

"So... what do you use it for?"

“You don’t even know _that_?" Yunho asks with a bewildered expression as Seonghwa carefully lifts the heavy piece of metal in front of him. He huffs, his cheek flushing at his own ignorance. 

"Well, I’m sorry we weren’t all literally born on a ship like a certain someone." Seonghwa tries to retort, to which Yunho chuckles lightly.

"It’s basic knowledge, though..." The tall man remarks before taking note of Seonghwa’s bashful expression.

"Ah, it’s fine though! Everyone has to start somewhere, right?" He adds with a warm smile, patting the elder’s back.

Seonghwa nods without much conviction, grateful that Yunho was not only patient enough to teach him but also had the kindness to be nice about it.

Truth be told, he felt a bit guilty about taking up his friend’s time with something as tedious as this. He could have asked Yeosang, but he wasn’t feeling all so ready to face the harsh words and inquisitive questions he’d have been met with. Yunho, on the other hand, was an indulgent teacher and probably wouldn’t care enough to ask why Seonghwa was suddenly interested in navigation.

_(It’s not like it was hard to guess, though, not with the way he and Hongjoong had gotten visibly closer lately, and he knew for a fact the younger members of the crew were snickering about it behind their backs)_

And besides the selfishness, he felt like his reasons were shallow — like he was possibly staining something Hongjoong was passionate about just to understand him better. He couldn’t help it though, as the more their relationship had shifted to something _intimate_ , the more he had been faced with how little they shared.

Listening to Yunho explaining the different uses of the astrolabe he was holding didn’t help the feeling, the words barely making it in one ear they were already out from the other.

"... And most people calculate it based on the position of the sun. That’s the simplest way to do it, really." Yunho finishes, as if stating the obvious.

" That makes sense." Seonghwa says, nodding.

 _I have no clue what you’re talking about_ , he thinks.

Yunho falls on the chair, picking up a feather distractingly.

"If you’re not our captain, at the very least." He says, as if an afterthought.

"What do you mean?" Seonghwa leans in a bit, trying not to focus on the feather Yunho was having spin on his fingers. The younger has a small laugh.

"This man is a _mystery_. In all the years we’ve been together, I’ve never seen him use any of our navigation devices during the daytime, but he seems like he always knows exactly where we’re going." He explains, a mix of pride and confused amusement on his face.

"He knows the positions of the stars as well as he knows this ship, which is pretty standard stuff, but... He must be a genius or something, ‘cause he said he prefers to base his own calculations on the position of the moon."

Seonghwa raises an eyebrow.

"Is that not supposed to be possible?" 

Yunho shrugs, putting the feather back on the table as he leans in the chair.

"Not impossible, just unheard of. The moon is mostly used as a complementary reference to the stars and the sun, so it’s a pretty odd choice to focus on this. But you know what’s _really_ strange? " He leans towards again, excitement taking over his features.

Seonghwa shakes his head, feeling a tad intimidated by the intensity in Yunho’s eyes.

"Kim Hongjoong is _never_ wrong." He asserts with a certainty and admiration Seonghwa never saw him express before.

"Wherever he has decided we’re going — he’ll take us there without failing. I don’t know how he does it, but I can vouch that this man navigates a ship better than anyone on the five oceans."

Seonghwa learns little but the fact that there are many things he has yet to understand when it comes to Hongjoong.

—

One thing he knew for sure about his captain, though, was that he was not a man of lies; for every promises he made to his crew, he had never failed to keep one. He could _pretend_ at times, on most occasions out of pride, or a desire not to burden them, but never _lie_. 

_("I’m fine", he shrugged Seonghwa off after a particularly rough encounter with a military ship. It was evident that he wasn’t, from the way his hand clenched around his arm and the sweat that pearled on his forehead, but the closed expression let Seonghwa know it was useless to argue back.)_

The question then, was what it made of his relationship with Seonghwa. The first night Hongjoong had kissed him, he had tried not to overthink it; he seemed so lonely and pained that it was easier to assume Hongjoong wanted an easy distraction out of him. And he would have been fine with that, really. It might sound pathetic, but Seonghwa would have happily offered himself if it could help his captain feel better.

( _Maybe Hongjoong was right when he said he lacked ambition, after all._ ) 

What he hadn’t expected, nor even hoped for, was Hongjoong squeezing him against the corridor’s wall the following day and pulling him in a kiss.

"This is fine, right?" He asked softly, a hesitant smile on his face after he parted their lips.

Seonghwa could only nod with a dumbfounded expression, attempting a smile that might have come out as a grimace with how embarrassed he felt by his own lack of reaction. Hongjoong must have liked it, though, because he laughed and smacked Seonghwa’s thighs playfully as he told him to get going.

This happened time and time again after that, Seonghwa gradually getting used to the intimacy enough to reciprocate Hongjoong’s actions. Outside of it, his captain had started treating him more carefully, too; he was gentler, and paid more attention to him than he used to. He complimented him often, and sat close to Seonghwa on those nights they shared on the deck.

Seonghwa wasn’t sure what to make of Hongjoong’s affection. Of course, he had already confessed to him; _years ago_ , perhaps just a few months after joining the crew. He hadn’t expected anything out of it at the time, and was simply relieved it didn’t prompt Hongjoong to throw him overboard. His captain had laughed it off, and the topic never came up again.

So needless to say, he was surprised the first time Hongjoong had whispered _I love you, Park Seonghwa_ into his ear, a hand clinging on his shirt and the other on the sheets Seonghwa was laying on. It wasn’t the bad kind of surprise, though, and Seonghwa was quick to lose himself into the touches and whimpers enough to let his own feelings spill out like the sand of a broken hourglass.

There was always desperation in the way Hongjoong would hold and kiss him, a feeling that completely escaped Seonghwa’s comprehension. And as much as he enjoyed those tender moments, the eldest could feel there was something wrong with them, too.

Maybe it was how Hongjoong eyes burned with wants and passion but were never quite focused on him, or how he would always turn his back to Seonghwa once they came down from their height.

( _"...You look so pretty like this." He said after regaining his breath, gazing at Hongjoong’s back lovingly. He was already sitting up, turned to the window, the flirting moonlight softening sharp features and a scarred body Seonghwa knew every part of._

_"I’m the one who should be saying this, my star." Hongjoong retorted, the hint of a smile in his voice._

_He did not look back as he left_.)

Seonghwa loved Hongjoong, but whatever his captain so desperately longed for — it wasn’t him.

—

Life on the sea was, and had always been, unforgiving. 

If a particularly bad storm didn’t get you, there were many chances you’d eventually risk dying from malnutrition or the foreign diseases that spread like wildfire on a ship. And that’s without mentioning the many dangers that came with the profession of piracy itself; rivals and enemies alike were never so far away that you’d feel safe enough when sailing.

For most of the men who called themselves pirates the present day, their crew and their riches was all there was to treasure, as it would be hopeless to yearn for anything that remained on the land.

Seonghwa assumes that’s why Yunho gives him that weird look after he asked if Hongjoong ever had a lover on the shore he didn’t tell them about.

"Not that I heard of," Yunho starts while turning his eyes back to the cloudy horizon. The weather has been really bad for the past few days, and you could barely discern the sea from the sky within the thick mist. "I mean— even back then we were younger, he never really..." He hesitates, his voice shying away. Seonghwa notices with amusement the man’s ears turning red on their tips.

"He never seemed interested to join us in the fun at the ports we stopped by." Yunho finishes, keeping his eyes on the sea.

Seonghwa nods understandingly, before realizing the implications of his statement.

"You mean— you mean Hongjoong never...?" He asks, incredulous.

"Man, I don’t know. It’s not like he would have told me." Yunho laughs, visibly embarrassed by the topic. "You two are doing fine, though, aren’t you?" He winks, probably as a mean to change the subject, and it’s Seonghwa’s turn to stutter some excuse before leaving the navigation room.

It hadn’t taken long for the rest of the crew to be aware of their relationship, as much as Seonghwa had tried to be subtle about it for the sake of Hongjoong’s pride. He had expected the younger man to be embarrassed about it, as he seemed to be about most forms of physical affection. And it hadn’t been easy with a curious Wooyoung pressing him with questions on a daily basis and Yeosang’s penetrative stare, but he had endured it as to not make his captain uncomfortable.

As it turned out however, Hongjoong hadn’t shied away from being open about the nights they spent together. And if he thought the marks he left on his neck were a simple display of ownership from a man whose life was made of conquests and hunting, it was harder to justify Hongjoong occasionally playing with his hair and resting his hand on Seonghwa’s — right under the scandalized eyes of his fellow crew members. 

Regardless of the reason, Seonghwa found that he liked it quite a lot.

It was on days like this that Hongjoong was the most… _clingy_ , for lack of a better word. When the weather got so bad that one could see neither the sunset on the horizon nor the stars in the sky, Hongjoong would allow himself some signs of neediness and snuggle up to Seonghwa as he worked, arms wrapping around his waist and face hidden in the crook of his neck. At times, he’d even lay on Seonghwa’s lap and just stare at him, which usually prompted Seonghwa himself to stop whatever he was doing. It was rare for Hongjoong to look at him — _truly_ look at him, and Seonghwa treasured how he seemed less distant, just a little bit more with him. 

On this particular day though, Hongjoong had stayed locked up in their room, laying in bed with his face uncharacteristically turned to the wooden wall instead of the window.

"Hongjoong?" Seonghwa whispers as he enters the room, worried he might wake him up as he was finally getting some sleep. 

"Seonghwa." A voice groans from under the heavy blanket, and Seonghwa suppresses a laugh at his grumpiness. 

"Can I do something?" He inquires instead, stepping closer. "You haven’t eaten yet today." 

"Not hungry." The voice mumbles. Then there’s a ruffle in the blanket, and he’s met with groggy eyes and a tiny hand reaching out for him. "Come in."

He knows it’s not an order, but he complies anyway, barely taking the time to remove his vest before slipping in next to Hongjoong who chuckles tiredly.

"Were you that eager to join me?" He taunts, teasing despite the bags under his eyes. Seonghwa huffs as the other drags the warm blanket back around both of their shoulders. 

"Says the one who wasted no time asking me in." He teases back, because it’s impossible not to when Hongjoong shows himself this vulnerable around him. The man raises his eyebrows.

"Oh? That’s quite the bold way to address your captain." He starts, the hint of a threat in his voice — before immediately softening as he must have noticed the panic filling in Seonghwa’s eyes. "It’s fine. I don’t mind it." 

Hongjoong smiles wide, warmth battling the evident exhaustion on his face. One of his hand comes up to caress Seonghwa’s cheek, and he wonders what he’s done to deserve so much of his captain’s attention as he melts under the touch. 

"Park Seonghwa."

It always makes him shiver, the way Hongjoong would say his full name before opening his heart to him.

"I love you."

It’s gentle, and warm, and tender, and his tired eyes are staring in Seonghwa’s like he could find galaxies in them. Yet, he thinks of all the times those exact same words were said in the dark of the night, with avoidant eyes and shaky lips and hidden faces, and something curls in his stomach. 

"Do you, really?" He asks almost without meaning to. 

Seonghwa instantly regrets the words escaping him as Hongjoong’s expression is veiled by sadness. 

"Yes." He answers after a few seconds of nothing. It’s definitive and has a certain determination to it; one that made him the person they could all rely on to lead them. But it’s painful too, and he gives an apologetic look at Seonghwa, squeezing his hand that he caught earlier a bit tighter. 

The innocent gesture reminds Seonghwa of his earlier talk with Yunho; and the realization that _he might be the first person Hongjoong ever had this with_ dawns further on him. 

Hongjoong, his captain, who touched him with feverish need and passion and a clumsiness Seonghwa had ignored in his own bliss. Hongjoong, who was so visibly unaware of the social cues when it came to flirting and who always kissed him without a warning, hurriedly checking if it was fine to do so afterwards. Hongjoong, who so obviously _didn’t know_ , and yet still tried and wanted and asked. 

Regrets remains and guilt sinks in, and Seonghwa thinks about apologizing, reassuring Hongjoong that he does have his trust, but he doesn’t know how to make it out with words and worries he might hurt him again.

So he leans forward, unable to look in the sad eyes anymore, and wraps his arm around his captain whose head now lies against his chest. 

"Thank you." He breathes, hoping it rings as sincere as he means it.

Hongjoong says nothing, and the moon rises behind the clouds. 

—

Seonghwa doesn’t remember if he fell in love with the night or with Hongjoong first.

Sure, he had always been fascinated with the stars as he grown up; the boring countryside in where he used to live not offering many distractions other than a clear sky. As a kid, he would often lay down in the grass and wonder if the lights of the stars resembled the kingdom’s capital he would visit one day. And even now, he still got that same feeling of hope whenever he gazed upon the Milky Way. 

_"The stars are a sailor’s guardian." Yunho had told him when he had asked whether or not their position had changed from back when he was in his hometown. "They do move around, but they will always be up there no matter where you find yourself on earth. Watching over."_

_"And the moon is there to kick my ass if I misbehave?" Wooyoung scoffed, earning himself a warning glare from Seonghwa._

_"The moon lit up the room when you and San lost our stock of oil in the sea." Yunho only half—joked, and Seonghwa brushed a hand through Wooyoung’s hair as the boy grunted._

Seonghwa looks up through the window as he cleans a plate for the third time as recalls their earlier conversation; the full moon is glowing in all of its glorious appearance. Some would have thought he would get tired of being left alone to clean after dinner, but he enjoyed those quiet moments of peace as much as the ones they all shared.

In the silence of the room, he doesn’t miss the muted steps approaching him before small arms wraps around his chest.

“Good evening, my star.” The light and familiar voice murmurs close to his ear.

“You only ever call me this once everyone is asleep.” Seonghwa rolls his eyes in a display of faux—annoyance.

“Is that a problem…? I thought you enjoyed the exclusivity.” He can hear the grin in Hongjoong’s tone as the younger man catches his wrist to prevent him from grabbing another of the already—cleaned dishes. Seonghwa doesn’t even try to pretend the fight doesn’t leave his body when Hongjoong’s thumb starts massaging his skin. He closes his eyes, relaxing in the embrace of his lover who doesn’t wait for a reply to leave short kisses on his collarbone. It earns a soft gasp from Seonghwa who adjusts himself to give the other more area to work on.

They hadn’t really talked about that one night — talking wasn’t exactly _their thing_ , after all. Well, not together at least. Seonghwa talked about his feelings sometimes, when he sought comfort within Wooyoung and Yeosang’s understanding eyes or San’s seemingly inexhaustible need for cuddles. 

As for Hongjoong, he talked to the stars, and wrote poems that he would then throw into the sea and never mention again. On some rare occasions, he’d let people read them; Mingi mostly, and sometimes Seonghwa too.

And Seonghwa would read, and he wouldn’t quite understand but nonetheless love it; and Hongjoong would sigh before telling him to forget about it. 

So no, they don’t really talk, not about what they feel. And Seonghwa hadn’t been sure what to do about that, even though he feels like it has to be changed after that night.

Hongjoong’s kisses reach the back of his ear and he has to bite down the whimpers threatening to escape him. His captain must have caught it, because he senses a low chuckle against the skin of his neck.

“Not here, my star.” 

“Let’s just move to the bedroom—” He suggests, finally turning to face Hongjoong.

“No.” The man cuts in. Seonghwa frowns.

“We are not taking this to the hold again, Hongjoong. Remember what happened last time.” 

“It———— It’s not about that.” Hongjoong hastily assures, seemingly embarrassed by the reminder. A serious expression takes over his traits.

“Will you come with me?” He asks gently, in that tone Seonghwa knows he would kill for. He’s momentarily taken aback by the question and the hand Hongjoong holds out to him, because as sudden as it is _—— of course, Hongjoong, I’d go to hell and back with you if you asked_ , but he nods anyway and puts his own hand in his.

The short man has a small smile, visibly satisfied with Seonghwa’s non-verbal answer, and leads him up the stairs of the kitchen to walk on the deck. It’s a fresh summer night, and the moon looks even bigger from the outside of the ship, huge and bright and ruling over the starry sky and the sea.

Seonghwa wants to ask, but Hongjoong’s hand feels frail on his as he sits on the floor and stares up at the sky. He gestures Seonghwa to sit next to him and pulls him closer with an arm around his shoulders.

“Seonghwa,” He begins, and Seonghwa thinks he must be imagining the nervous shake of his voice, “Can you kiss me?”

Seonghwa stares at him in confusion for a second, because this isn’t how it normally goes. Normally, Hongjoong would be the one to kiss him, to first take what he wanted out of him before giving it back in millions. But he sees Hongjoong’s eyes waver in fear, as if he felt Seonghwa’s hesitation, and so he leans in to answer his captain’s request.

He’s not used to lead their embraces and he starts by kissing him slowly, unsure of what the other wants out of him this time. That’s why he’s thankful when Hongjoong grips the back of his shirt and presses Seonghwa against him, sliding his tongue past his lips and urging him to intensify the kiss. He happily goes along, a hand falling on Hongjoong’s hip and the other behind his neck to stabilize his head. 

The position quickly grows uncomfortable as the exchange intensifies, which explains Hongjoong laying back on the floor of the deck while dragging Seonghwa along, not willing to break off neither the kiss nor their tangled bodies. Seonghwa isn’t so sure of the mood anymore, though — as hard as Hongjoong is kissing him, there’s nothing sensual about it. 

And if Seonghwa were asked, he’d probably admit that he likes the time for cuddles and tender built-ups a lot more than what comes after. This was different, however, Hongjoong’s kisses a bit too hurried and the hand on his shoulder almost painfully clinging to him.

“Please— please touch me—” The man under him breathes between two kisses, something desperate in his voice. “ _Don’t let go_ , Seonghwa.” He pleads, but Seonghwa has to disobey as he hears a sob escape his captain's voice. He pulls back enough to look at Hongjoong’s face, breath short and eyes worried.

Hongjoong looks back at him, big eyes filled up with tears that shine under the moonlight. He doesn’t look pained, however, nor sad, and he clings at Seonghwa’s vest while another sob escapes him.

What Seonghwa realizes, then, is that Hongjoong isn’t looking back at him; he’s looking behind, above Seonghwa’s head, right at the celestial body that draws an halo of light around his head.

Hongjoong is looking at the moon.

“Sorry.” The man chokes out, messily rubbing at his eyes with shaky hands. Seonghwa puts Hongjoong’s hands away from his face and replaces them with his own to caress the tears away.

“It’s fine,” He reassures, hoping this is what Hongjoong needs. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” 

The man sniffles, shooting him an apologetic smile as he lets Seonghwa’s touch soothe him.

“I just— you’re _so beautiful_ , Seonghwa.” 

Seonghwa stops moving, staring into Hongjoong eyes and trying to discern whatever truth they may hold. He’s really looking at him now, with so much sincerity Seonghwa finds it hard not to look away. 

Hongjoong bites his lips, before adding weakly:

“You believe me, right?”

Seonghwa nods, hands coming to rest on either side of Hongjoong’s head.

“I do.”

There’s a sigh of relief.

“But… I don’t know what you’re thinking sometimes. And it scares me.” He finishes, the words hard to take out of his mouth.

He feels selfish for admitting such a thing, for burdening Hongjoong with his unnecessary worries. Being allowed this close into his heart should have been enough for him, and it hurts when Hongjoong’s eyes close with sad acceptance.

“I see.”

“It’s fine, though—” He rushes to reassure, but is cut short once again by a firm voice.

“It’s not.” Hongjoong sits up, gently pulling Seonghwa away. “You have the right to know, I should have told you before. In fact— I should have told you years ago.” He states with a grave expression.

Seonghwa holds back excuses and questions, wondering what Hongjoong could even mean by _years ago_. As far as he knows, they’ve only been in a relationship for a few months, and he doesn’t think Hongjoong had ever owed him any kind of explanation before that. He was his captain, and he followed him, that was all there ever was to it.

This said, he _does_ want to know. And it’s only when he’s given this opportunity that he realizes how much Hongjoong’s secrets have been eating at him, making him wonder just how much he was worth to him and how much he wasn’t.

_(Seonghwa isn’t of much worth to himself, this he’s aware of. And perhaps it matters a lot more than it should, if he is to Hongjoong.)_

Hongjoong doesn’t talk at first, breathing in and out the fresh air and readjusting the clothes that were dishevelled from his earlier spur of passion. His eyes aren’t on Seonghwa anymore, locked on the moon that seems like it will swallow the sky.

“I don’t know where this ship is headed right now.” Eventually he announces, factual.

“You what?” Seonghwa blinks, taken aback by both the statement and the sudden change to an apparently unrelated topic.

“I don’t know where we’re going.” Hongjoong repeats, looking back at Seonghwa with a serious look.

“B—but… that’s impossible, isn’t it? You’re the one who steers this ship. And Yunho says you’re always…” 

“Taking you guys where we need to be, yes.” He completes with a sigh. Seonghwa nods, still not quite sure where he wants to get with this. 

“Let’s put it like this — I know what direction we’re headed on, I know what’s our current position and towards which pole this ship is moving — but I don’t know _why_.” Hongjoong explains, something tired in his voice. “I know as much about our destination as you do.”

“But…” Seonghwa squints. There are many things he wants to ask right now, so he settles for the most obvious question. “Then why? Why are we going there… wherever it is?”

Hongjoong takes a deep breath. 

“Because that’s where she told me to go.”

Something heavy sinks in Seonghwa’s stomach, and he stares down at his tightening fists. _She_ . He gulps, not willing to look back up to know what Hongjoong might look like now. _I’m such a fool_. 

Regardless, he has to ask, because Seonghwa is indeed a fool and it’s been way too many years that he had longed to understand Kim Hongjoong’s heart.

“Who is she?” He looks up and hopes the disappointment doesn’t read too much in his voice. 

Hongjoong smiles at the sky, both tender and bitter and so many feelings Seonghwa wishes he wasn’t able to understand as much as he does.

“The moon.”

Silence falls on the space between them. Seonghwa’s fist unclench at his side.

"What?"

A sheepish expression replaces the complex mix of emotion Hongjoong was wearing just before, and he rolls in his finger a long strand at the back of his neck.

"It’s strange, isn’t it? I know it is." 

"No, it’s— I mean..."

Seonghwa stares at the man with round eyes, unable to formulate an appropriate response. What even could be an appropriate response to _this_? 

It’s not as if he could afford to doubt Hongjoong’s words. It all made so much sense, with everything he’s been told, and with the wistful gazes he had seen him give to the sky. Of course, it also didn’t make _sense_ , but very few things had ever since he first kissed Hongjoong. And that wasn’t something he hated.

Eventually, he chuckles, feeling the tension leaves his body to be instead filled in with a warm feeling.

"What’s so funny?" Hongjoong frowns in confusion, cheeks slightly tinted.

Seonghwa pulls himself together, holding back another laugh but unable to contain the smile curving his lips.

“I’m sorry, it’s not funny, I just..."

He shakes his head, deciding Hongjoong didn’t need to know how terrified he had been, thinking he was in love with someone else.

"How?" He asks instead, because this explains _nothing_ and also, well, he’s genuinely curious. Hongjoong shrugs, pulling his knees back against his chest. Seonghwa thinks his captain looks small. 

“Dunno’. It’s always been this way, ever since I was born... " He tells him. "I was able to feel _her_ calling for me. That’s why I first took the sea.”

Seonghwa hums, more questions on the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t know much about Hongjoong’s childhood, and neither did the rest of the crew, but he’d be sure to ask after that night. A wall was cracking between them, and he’s now determined to cross through at the pace Hongjoong would allow him.

"I… I can’t take her out of my mind. " Hongjoong admits then, somewhat shy. "She’s always in my thoughts during the day. And at night..." He shakes his head. "Well, you saw it for yourself." 

Once again Seonghwa nods, not knowing what more he could possibly say. His captain lays back on the wood.

"And you… you reminded me of her." 

He specifies bashfully before Seonghwa can ask: 

"It’s just… your eyes. I don’t know. It’s not about that anymore, though. It’s about _you_ now."

Hongjoong falls quiet. Seonghwa doesn’t really get it, as ever with Hongjoong, but he figures he doesn’t exactly need to either. It strikes him, then, how much he doesn’t mind this. He had been scared, but never of this — never of Hongjoong longing for something no human could ever be. He had been sad, too, but sadness was a feeling he had always carried with him. He feels glad, in a way, to know he shared this with him.

_(He doesn’t tell him, that he too had felt the stars calling him; begging him to walk away from his old, dry hometown._

_Nor that he had first taken notice of Hongjoong when he took those long walks on the port, trying to count each of the lights in the constellations that were reflected on the sea.)_

"Is that all?" He asks, when Hongjoong has stopped talking for long enough he’s sure he was done explaining.

"Is that— what do you mean, is that all?" Hongjoong protests. "Seonghwa, I’m telling you I’m in love with the whole damn _moon_."

"And you love me, too?" He asks back, and it’s more an affirmation than a question.

"Of course I do."

"Then okay."

Hongjoong stares at Seonghwa like he just invented fire and his entire world was shaken to the ground.

"Okay?"

"Hongjoong, do you think I followed you because I thought you were _normal_?"

Hongjoong scoffs at this. His eyes are still red from crying, but he seems more at ease now, even grinning a bit — likely at the memory of a clumsy country-boy begging to let him in on their next adventure. 

"I had not a single clue as to why on earth you’d want to join us, to be honest. You were so cute back then."

Seonghwa smiled.

"And you were charismatic and mysterious and _attractive_ — " He dodges a playful jab of Hongjoong before continuing, "And I never thought once of going back to living a normal life after meeting you." He ends it with a certain weight, making sure each of his words reaches Hongjoong sound and clear.

"Seonghwa..." The man starts, with a concerned look. "You’re insane." He concludes with a laugh.

It sounds dismissive, but Seonghwa can see how touched he is from the way his eyes turn into crescents of happiness, a hand pushing away the tear that was beginning to form on a corner. 

He lays down next to Hongjoong, his arm finding its way around his chest.

He hadn’t said much himself, yet feels incredibly light, as if Hongjoong opening his heart to him had liberated him from all the worries and fears he had been carrying ever since he stepped on this ship for the first time. He knows that one day, he’ll tell him everything — but right now, he only wants to relieve in this newfound peace and the warmth of Hongjoong’s body. 

"Coming from the man who just told me he was in love with the moon, I think I can take this as a compliment?"

"You can." Hongjoong assures, another hand resting on top of his. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Far above in the sky, the stars and the moon watch over the sea and their entwined fingers.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in several years but there I am so yeah sorry about that lmao.  
> The title was taken from Satellite by LOONA, which you should absolutely check out (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CywzUMdMgsI) and the concept is inspired from the MV theory that Hongjoong was called by the moon to gather ATEEZ together. Thank you for reading!


End file.
